Total Pageviews

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Potatoes: A True Story

     “I would like the steak with mashed potatoes.”
     “We don’t have mashed potatoes – we only have one kind of potato – they’re like home fries.” I tell this to at least ten customers every day.
     The woman’s dry expression remains unchanged, “Okay, I will have a baked potato then.”
     I sigh, not surprised, “We don’t have baked potato – we only have one kind of potato – they’re like home fries; they are sliced red potatoes sautéed on the grill with some seasoning and onion.”
     She blinks. “I think I’d rather the mashed potatoes.”
     I blink. “We only have home fries.”
     “Oh, that’s fine.”
     Of course that’s fine, it’s the only potato we have, if you want potatoes you will eat these potatoes. The restaurant has been around for 26 years; I have been working there for two. Still, I am filled with a mundane amazement every time I repeat to customers about our one-of-a-kind “famous” potatoes. It says that right on the menu: “Our Famous Potatoes.” The menu has not changed in its 26 years and it is incredibly simple: meat and potatoes, more specifically giant steaks, burgers and potatoes aka home fries. Sometimes, when I describe these “famous” potatoes, I do quotation marks with my fingers. 95% of the customers will giggle at this and think I am a friendly waitress opposed to one who repeats herself over and over and curses those not listening in her head.
     I smile and collect the table’s menus.
     Five minutes after I bring the woman her steak and home fries she waves me over. “I don’t like these potatoes. Could I have French fries instead?”
     I am dumfounded. “We don’t have French fries.” I cannot bring myself to explain further, again.
     “Really? No French fries!?” She exclaims.
     No I am lying. This entire time I just wanted to make believe we only had one kind of potato because I do not want to please you, drive up the check, or receive any kind of tip.”Nope, just the one kind of potato, the home fries.” I give a half smile.
     As I walk away I hear her and her husband marveling about how there are no French fries and how odd it is for a restaurant to have no French fries.
     I need a new job.

1 comment:

  1. Real F'N Genius out there....It is great to see how simple one can complicate something...and speak with out listening