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Monday, May 23, 2011

My three lovers.

I don't sleep around. Not really. I like making out with guys. But to have sex with them? Well, I am particular. So how I ended up having three lovers -- at the same time -- for fours months is beyond me and how I chose these winners from the rest of Hoboken's elite is further from that.

The Tool. Simultaneously, his Jersey Shore meets Jonas Brothers persona endeared and annoyed me. After drinks, he would create a pseudo Italian accent, calling me "baybeh" and leaving the 'R' off the end of words like car and bar. We were friends with benefits for a year before he confessed to having stronger feelings and wanted an exclusive relationship. In other words, he was "jealous of other guys fucking the shit out of [me]." One tipsy night led to us trying on the boyfriend-girlfriend label. Twelve hours later, I saw him walking down the street holding hands with an Asian chick. Dumbfounded, I managed to yell his name, to which he introduced us then hurried away. I still have the boxer briefs left in my room from when he was my boyfriend. My twelve hour boyfriend. I texted him he fucked up but we haven't seen each other nor discussed the incident since. Who broke up with who? 

The Man Whore. A Dominican, charismatic coke head. Off the top of my head I can think of seven people I know he's had sex with. We have nothing else in common. One night he pulled me into my room and gave me an over the top kiss as he tried to stick his hand down my pants. I pushed away, although, secretly liked it. Sure he was slutty, but also, hot. The cat and mouse act continued and ended with him yanking out his (ahem, huge) penis, saying, "Don't you want this?" and me screaming, "No!" and leaving him bewildered on my bed. I smirked at how coy I was, until the next time we hung out, and my hormones won. We had a few nights of rough and wild sex. His room had a long mirror aligned with the bed; the floor covered with half empty liquor bottles and the smell of stale cigarettes. I could spend three days in there without even realizing the sun came up. We did not have much to talk about: just series of basic questions, in between positions, discovering how opposite we were. My favorite question he asked was, "What's your favorite salad dressing?" It was fun for four months until his arrogance got the best of me. Now whenever I see Thousand Island (his favorite) I think of rough sex.

The Married Guy. Don't judge me. It's a cliche story and the mistress never gets the sympathy vote. I am not justifying the situation just explaining it. We talk literature and bond over other people's idiocracies. Once we had a fifteen minute conversation on why I love parenthesis and he loves semicolons. Should I mention we both have daddy issues? And we get prescribed the same panic attack medicine. So he's a wasp and older and married and I suppose that is a problem. The sex is okay but I mostly get off on the secret, taboo aspect of it all. A couple months into the affair, we had a bittersweet conversation about ending it. Two weeks later, we began again. The cycle continues.

A friend (ok, my therapist) said to me, “Various people know fragments of you, but nobody knows and has all of you.” It is true. I put up walls. The Tool built up my ego but I never trusted him. The Man Whore satisfied my animalistic desires but the Married Guy suffices my humanistic need for connection. I choose guys I know could never have all of me... Does this keep me safe or in pain?
I am currently in the market for a new lover.

1 comment:

  1. It's pretty common to want to hide personal aspects away from certain people. Even innately. I think that at the end of the day we want to believe that we're smart enough, emotionally complex enough, good-looking enough, insightful enough, talented enough, and genuinely decent enough that if we truly cared enough no one would find us dismissible.

    And if they did it's nothing but total fail on their part.

    But what would we do if we laid everything on the table for someone and they weren't impressed? If every so-called category of our existence is just a lesser version of what they'd seen before? That the sum of our parts = 'meh'.

    So maybe the question becomes: do we only send out fragments so no one can truly be right about us? To see through the smoke and mirrors? Is it because we're still a work in progress and there's still clay to mold? Or is it because people just aren't worth the fucking time and we'd rather be getting shitfaced?

    I won't tell you what I really think cos this comment is long enough; plus it's much more fun to fill in the blanks ourselves. Now pass the fucking whiskey.